Still Waiting

John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they had never had sex. "We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him.
So he waits...
They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says, "I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don't want  our first time to be all bloody!"
John exclaims, "You're kidding!"
 Mary flatly informs, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer."
Mary goes to sleep and wakes up at 3am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling.
"There's no use John," she said. "You might as well go to sleep."
"I would, except my penis is so hard there's not enough skin left to close my eyes."

"Ashton Kutcher is denying reports that his girlfriend Demi Moore is pregnant. The confusion was caused when someone said Moore was with child. Turns out, she was just with him."
---Jimmy Kimmel

"Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"
--Rita Rudner

LOVE

As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" Requires a Java Enabled Browser.
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

The Wish

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself.
He had been given special powers by a local witch.
  One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. 
 Then he said to them "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."
 The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done
 Then the rabbit said "I would like a helmet."
 This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
  It was the bear's turn again "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.
  The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."
Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money and then he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
  The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
  The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said
"I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell."