Oh No!!

A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it."
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face and said "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon."

Brain Strain

"I bet you think twice before you leave your wife alone at night," chided one man to the other.
"I'll say." replied the second.
"First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."

Going to a Wedding

A man came into a gun shop and asked to see a shotgun. The clerk, seeing that the customer was well-dressed and probably had a well-padded pocketbook, showed him a Belgian handcrafted mother of pearl inlay weapon and demonstrated its fine points. A bargain at $12,000.
The customer says, "No, not quite what I need."
Then the clerk brings out an English model and shows off its fine points. A steal at only $7,500.
The customer says, "No, I don't need anything that fancy."
The clerk, disappointed, shows the customer a Winchester 'over and under' mass production model. Only $299.95.
The customer says, "That will do nicely. After all, it's an informal wedding."

Produce Isle

I was examining cantaloupes at the grocery store and turned to the produce clerk, who was refilling the bins.
"Choosing a cantaloupe is like picking a mate for marriage," I observed casually. "A person has no idea what he's getting until it's too late."
"I know," he replied. "I've had three cantaloupes."

Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend is Going to Dump You...

10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.
9. She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't recall proposing to her.
8. She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.
7. She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer.
6. Her love letters come soaked in formaldehyde rather than perfume.
5. Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like you to meet an old friend of mine..."
4. She leaves a message on your phone and identifies her- self by both her first and last names.
3. Your other girlfriend told you so.
2. The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.
1. Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, "You haven't got a clue, do you?"