Medical Chart
1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
22. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
23. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus- sized.
24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
"I had surgery this year. Nothing serious, thank God. But
just before I went under I heard the one thing you don't
want to hear, 'Where's my lucky scalpel?'"
--Jonathan Ketz
A doctor said to his patient: "You have a slight heart condition, but I
wouldn't worry about it."
"Really, Doc?" the patient replied. "Well, if
you had a slight heart condition I wouldn't worry about it either."
Operation
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vaginal lips are much too large.
She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out.
The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody.
The first rose is from me.
I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.
The second one is from my nurse.
She assisted me with the operation, and she has had the same operation done on herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked.
Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit.
He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
"Doctors and hospitals have gone back to literally the
Middle Ages for a cure they say works better than anything
they have in modern medicine for post-operative blood
coagulation.
They are going back to flesh-eating maggots
and blood-sucking leeches. Or as most people know them,
HMOs."
--Bill Maher
Emergency Room
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an emergency room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.
The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
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