A little redneck boy runs into his house
and proclaims "I've found the girl that I'm gonna
marry! And she's a virgin!" Incensed, his father
pounds his fist on the table. "There's no way
you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for
her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
"The Wal-Mart chain is refusing to sell a book written by WWF superstar
Mankind because the book contains a picture of a naked elf. Everywhere
Wal-Mart shoppers are asking themselves the same question, "What's a book?!"
- Craig Kilborn
All good Southerners already know these, but in
fairness to those Yankees who were dumb enough to stay
down here: 1. Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They
serve breakfast 24 hrs a day, so let them cook
something they know. 2. Don't laugh at people's names. Merleen, Bodie,
Luther Ray,Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, and
Inez have all been known to whip a man's ass for less
than that. 3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda
-- this can lead to a merciless beating. Down South
it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi. 4. Don't show allegiances to any college
football squad that isn't an SEC team. All the others
are a bunch of candy asses who get to play Wyoming
every week. 5. Don't refer to Southerner's as a bunch of
hillbillies. Many of us are/have been moreliterate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated, and
generally much nicer to boot. We've got plenty of
business sense (e.g.Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom,
MTV, and Netscape). Naturally, we can have lapses of
judgment from time to time (e.g. Clinton, Fordice,
Duke). We don't care if you think we're dumb, we know
better! 6. We are fully aware that the humidity is high.
Quit your bitching, spend your money, and leave. 7. Don't order wheat toast at the Cracker
Barrel. If you do this, everyone will know you're from
Ohio. Eat the biscuits like God intended and for
goodness sake, don't put sugar in your grits. 8. Don't attempt to fake a Southern accent.
Nothing will incite a riot faster.; 9. Don't go around talking about how much better
it is back home. If you don't like it here, take your
Yankee ass back home. 10. We don't play lacrosse, hockey or any of
those other sissy ass Northern games, so don't ask about the scores.
We...simply...don't...care. 11. We know how to speak proper English, we talk
this way because we want to and we can. It's like
playing jazz, you have to know how to do it right
first. 12. Last, but by no means least...DO NOT try to
tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This could lead to permanent
expulsion and revocation of your work visa. Consider
yourself just damn lucky that we let you come down here
in the first place. Don't push your luck!
Ok now with
all the rules laid down, come on in and we can have
some laughs!!
