The CatchSophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, "Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."
Longevity, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death.
---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
Used CarIt was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed so we're just waiting.
Robbing the Old LadyAn old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra and started feeling around.
"I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you keep doing that, I'll write you a check."
Bad Driver!There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "George, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 110!"
George says, "I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!"
Scrimping and Saving
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his
wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved
enough money to buy what we started saving for in
A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. "We were
married twenty-five years before he died," she said,
dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those
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